Without assuming the paternity of these lines (I found them on the internet at one point, I just don’t remember where) here’s the…

Funny Top 10 List For A Successful Power Metal Band

1. In a power metal world, everything steel is good, and anything good must be compared to steel.
2. You are allowed to be blonde.
3. Pick a theme and stick to it. Manowar are warriors of true metal, and they don’t get to sing about anything else. Rhapsody has their Algalord chronicles. Hammerfall has their steel, hammers, and templar. Running Wild has pirates. Blind Guardian has Tolkein. None of them are allowed to sing about anything else.
4. If at all possible, be Michael Kiske. If this is not possible, pretend to be Michael Kiske.
5. Your album cover should include at least one of the following: fire, steel, weird glowing magical items, irregularly muscular men, fists thrust into the air, weaponry, magic creatures (preferably dragons), or bright beams of light around somebody/something.
6. 16th notes are the only notes. Unless you’re singing, in which case you are not permitted to hold a note for any less than 2 bars. By the way, you need at least two guitar players. How else are you going to have dueling guitar solos?
7. If you can’t be Michael Kiske, you can at least be Timo Tolkki. Actually, don’t be Timo Tolkki.
8. Wizards! You need wizards!
9. Wear armor if at all possible. Hammerfall can give you an idea of the variety of acceptable armors, ranging from leather to ring-mail.
10. Never leave Europe.For purposes of the above, Japan may be counted as part of Europe. Oh, and South America was colonized by Europeans, so it can count too.

Just as a note to those of you already angry at me for publishing this list: guys, please keep in mind I am a fan of power metal. I lived on Helloween rhythms, I love Michael Kiske’s voice and used to fall asleep with Eric Adams (Manowar) screaming into my ears. When being 17 years old I remember I fell asleep and the phone started to ring and I remember thinking (in between sleeping and waking up) what’s that sound that I have never managed to hear before…

It was my phone ringing and my mother screaming at me to turn the stereo down…

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